Why do so many people feel behind in life?

Who handed out the schedule, and why does everyone else seem to have a copy? Somewhere between school and now, a set of deadlines moved into your head (own flat by this age, partner by that one, proper job before the other), and if you try to trace who wrote them, the trail goes cold fast.

That is worth sitting with for a second. You are grading yourself on an exam nobody set.

Where did the timeline go?

Start with the numbers, because they are kinder than your inner narrator. In 2025, the average age of leaving the parental home across the EU was 26.3 [1]. That is an average. In Croatia it was 31.5; in Finland, 21.3 [1]. Eurostat points to relationships, the job market, cultural norms, housing costs and the cost of living as the things pushing it around [1]. In 2024, Croatia, Slovakia, Greece, Italy and Spain all sat at 30 or above [2].

So if you are 29 and still at your parents’ place in Zagreb or Naples, you are not a cautionary tale. You are, statistically, a Tuesday.

Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett gave this stretch a name back in 2000: emerging adulthood. He described the late teens through the twenties as a distinct period of exploration in industrialised societies, because marriage, parenthood and settled work were arriving later than in earlier generations [3]. The timeline your grandparents lived by is not the one you were handed. The template in your head, though, often never got the update.

Then there is the comparison problem. Back in 1954, Leon Festinger argued that people judge their own opinions and abilities by comparing themselves with others, especially when there is no objective standard [4]. “Am I doing well at life?” has no objective standard. So your brain grabs the nearest yardstick, which is usually a cousin’s engagement post or a school friend’s new kitchen, and holds it up against your whole existence.

That is the why. Here is the what.

Five things to do this evening

You need a pen, some paper and about twenty minutes. No apps, no spreadsheets.

1. Write down what is already built. Not achievements for a CV. Things that exist now that did not before: a friendship that survived a move, a skill you can do without thinking, a bill you stopped dreading, the fact that you can cook four meals without a recipe. Aim for ten. The first three are hard; by seven, you will be surprised.

2. Picture yourself five years ago, in detail. Where did you live? What kept you up? What did you not yet know how to do? Now write three differences between that person and you. This is the only comparison that uses the same starting line, the same luck and the same family. It is also the only fair one.

3. Trace each deadline to its author. Take the milestones that make you feel late and write next to each one where it came from: a parent, a film, a friend group, a feed. Some will turn out to be yours. A surprising number will turn out to be borrowed, and possibly never returned.

4. Choose one marker that is actually yours. Just one. It might be “a home where I can have people over” rather than “a mortgage by 32”. It might be “work I am not embarrassed to describe” rather than a title. Write it at the top of a fresh page, and leave the rest of the page blank on purpose.

5. Close the evening with the pen down. Put the paper somewhere you will not see it first thing. Turn off the screen a bit earlier than usual, let your breath slow, and listen for a minute to an evening where nothing is asking you to keep up.

What to skip

• Scrolling “by 30 you should” lists. They are written for clicks, not for you.
• Ranking yourself against one specific person. You are seeing their highlights and your own behind-the-scenes footage.
• Making a five-year plan at 11pm. Big decisions made tired tend to look strange by daylight.
• Turning the exercise into a scorecard. The list of what is built is not a test you can fail.
• Explaining yourself at the next family gathering. “Still working it out” is a complete sentence.

Troubleshooting: a thin first list

Say you sit down for step one and get stuck at three items. That happens, usually because you are filtering for things that sound impressive. Lower the bar on purpose. “Kept a plant alive” counts. “Learned to say no to that one friend” counts. “Got through a bad year” absolutely counts.

If the five-years-ago comparison stings because things were genuinely better then, write that down honestly too. Life does not move in a straight line, and a hard stretch is not a verdict. Ask instead what you have carried through it, which is a different and often longer list.

And if step four leaves you staring at a blank page, try the reverse: write a marker you are certain is not yours. Crossing things off is sometimes the quickest way to find what stays.

One honest caveat

This piece is for reflection, nothing more. If the sense of being behind has grown heavy and colours most of your days, it is worth talking it through with someone you trust or a qualified professional.

Sources

1. Eurostat (2026). “Young people - housing conditions.” Statistics Explained. https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Young_people_-_housing_conditions
2. Eurostat (2025). “When do young people in the EU leave home?” Eurostat news. https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/web/products-eurostat-news/w/ddn-20250923-1
3. Arnett, J. J. (2000). “Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties.” American Psychologist. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.5.469
4. Festinger, L. (1954). “A Theory of Social Comparison Processes.” Human Relations. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202